Mommy Fear Mongering

"He went to med school. He's an expert on medicine, not car seat safety"
- Car Seat Group

Coming from the super supportive, we will hold you hand, pray for you, sing kumbaya with you, infertility groups to the Mommy groups has been an utter and complete shock. Everything you do could kill your baby, you are a terrible mother, your instincts are useless, and your doctor is an idiot. If you do not eat the "rainbow" at every meal (vegetables of every color) while pregnant you are most certainly going to have a child with obesity. It doesn't matter that everything you eat that isn't potatoes and bland chicken gives you heartburn, your baby is more important  than your own comfort. Oh you can't afford to buy a plane ticket for your baby to attend your brother's funeral and plan to have a lap baby? Well, you cannot go, your baby will die on the plane. Sorry that you will not be able to say goodbye to your brother.  Oh you want statistics on how many babies die in plane turbulence? BLOCKED from group. You plan on going back to work and formula feeding? You are lazy Mom. You should probably just put your kid up for adoption right now.

Yes, all of these things, eating right, using a car seat on a plane, and breast feeding are all good and safe ideas. No one could ever argue that. However, the science on many of these "best practices" is weak at best. I hate to say it, but even the FAA says that using car seats on planes only reduces the risk of death by 0.4 deaths per year. And study after study has said that both breast feeding and formula feeding produces happy, healthy babies. But this post isn't really about the statistics, people won't believe me anyways, this is about fear mongering and Mommy meanness.

Fear mongering "is the use of fear to influence the opinions and actions of others towards some specific end" (Wiki, whatever, I'm lazy). And Mommy groups are full of it. I have never seen a group of people tell other people that they will undoubtedly harm or murder another group for doing on not doing a specific act. Okay, maybe if there was a drunk driving group, I am sure there would be plenty of warranted fear mongering in there. Somehow, Mommies have LOST the ability to talk to other Moms with respect, love, and compassion. Somehow they forgot how to hold hands and sing kumbaya and tell them, "it is going to be okay, let's work through this". They don't give options or ideas, just screaming and yelling. They just tell the poster that if they do not do a specific act, they WILL kill or harm their baby. They then send them videos and links sharing all the dangers, which are intended to incite horror, shame, and fear, not provide useful knowledge. And lawd, I haven't EVEN gotten into the groups about toddler raising, feeding your kids, and disciple yet because I am afraid of what I will read.

No one wants to put their child at risk for death, no one. But we have to find a balance between real life and bubble life. Now that I am pregnant, I know that my every fear revolves around hurting this tiny little human inside of me. I am afraid of everything already, I need Moms that will help make me feel a little bit better, not a lot of bit worse. And to be honest, I am lucky. I have Mom friends that tell me to drink a dang soda if I want it and take a Zantac, but other Moms are not so lucky. Those Moms will be told that soda will MOST definitely give them gestational diabetes and hurt their unborn baby and that Zantac causes birth defects or something.  Please for the love of Pete, be KIND to one another. Stop scaring the living crap out of people because they cannot afford a $400 car seat, to take a year off work, or to eat everything organic. Help them find ways to make it work, not just "too bad, so sad, that is the only way." Oh and please post evidence based research if you are going to give advice. For example: rear facing until two, totally evidence based. Good job! Help Moms do that to the best of their ability, both don't scare them into it. For example, send them the statistics on it and maybe a couple affordable ERF car seats that you love, not a youtube video of a baby who died because they were not rear faced. We all are afraid enough already, don't make it worse.

* Sidenote, all these things I talked about in this blog, we plan on doing. I feel like I have to make that statement because I know I will be called a BAD MOM if that is unclear. I am also not arguing that people should not breastfeed or use car seats in planes, at all. I am just saying that we have to work to help our Mommy friends not scare the living hell out of them.