Birth

"Is there a part of you that feels relieved that we get to control when we go into labor? No stressing about rushing to the hospital?"

-Alisha

"No, not really at all. You?"

-Me

"Yeah, I was so worried about you going into labor and not being able to get there on time. Why does it not make you feel better?"

-Alisha

"Because I am losing that excitement, that rush of heading to the hospital, that dramatic moment you see in every movie. I cannot help but feel just a little sad about it," 

-Me

Here we were at 37 weeks 3 days gestation, driving to the hospital, heading to our induction. This was the last thing I wanted, okay maybe the second to last (scheduled c-section wins the number one spot) but we had to do this. My blood pressure had unexpectedly spiked the last few weeks of pregnancy and they could not get it under control. I was tested over and over again for preeclampsia but I did not develop it. I was just one of those people that developed Gestational Hypertension and it was making my anxiety skyrocket. GH didn't care that I had taken such good care of my body while pregnant, that I had denied myself ice-cream and cheeseburgers with a huge cherry coke. It didn't care that I was doing yoga and taking it easy. So we sat in my doctor's office on Wednesday the 12th discussing bringing this baby into the world. We could wait and see if I ended up with preeclampsia or if my pressures reached dangerous  levels or we could induce. My doctor did not push us in either direction, but I knew what I needed to do. I needed this baby out. I needed to reduce the risk that I would die or that his placenta would no longer provide him the nutrition he needed. Alisha was on board and we scheduled our induction for the next day. We drove to Chick-Fil-A, sat and tried to unpack the decision we had just made. I didn't sleep a wink that night and Lawd, how I wish I had. 

I told no one that I had GH, I told no one we were inducing. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Although my doctor explained that GH affects so many pregnancies and that there was not anything I can do about it other than deliver my baby. It didn't matter what he said, I could hear all the naysayers in my life who would find a way to blame me, or my weight, or heck, my hair color. I also could not bear to tell anyone that we were inducing. I had desired so badly for a natural birth and I had heard so many people tell me that I was never going to get a natural birth, that birth plans were "stupid", and all sorts of awful discouraging things about my desire to go as naturally as possible. Those voices were playing over and over again in my head and I just did not want to hear those voices out loud. I know there are some of you that will comment with "I told you so" or anything like that and I will be choosing to immediately delete you as a friend from facebook and from my life. So think those thoughts to yourself, please.

So here is the story of how Alisha and I brought Everett Collier Smith into the world....

"My Bags are Packed I'm Ready to Go..."

Our bags had been packed for weeks but it still felt like a last minute scramble to get everything together. Even though I knew that I was losing my natural birth, I still wanted to go pain medication free, so I had YouTube videos of yoga movements, music, and multiple outfits to make me feel as human as possible during the labor and delivery. We were ready, as ready as we were going to be. I realized last minute that we did not have a picture of the two of us during this pregnancy, so Alisha set up the timer on her camera, and took this amazing picture. 

Birth Plan Smersh Plan...

"Gosh, I really do not want an IV, is there any way to avoid that? We aren't doing IV meds right away, so it won't be used yet"

-Me

"No, not really. But don't worry, you won't have any tubing attached to it yet!"

-Nurse

Not the point, but not worth the battle, I guess. My doctor met us at the door to the labor and delivery floor. He gave us a big hug and told us it was going to be okay. He also made sure that the super nice room with the labor was getting ready for us. He also told us that he had been thinking about our induction plan all day and he was ready to get us a baby. We joked about timing, hoping to have a baby in 24 hours. We should have knocked on some wood. 

Well that is a contraction!          

The first medicine (Cytotec) went in and my cervix was checked (I was nooooowhere btw).  We were told to go to sleep because things were about to get crazy. About two hours later, a slew of nurses rush in because they thought they saw a de-cell on the baby's monitor. Luckily, the baby was perfectly fine, but running and hiding from the monitors. This was horrible foreshadowing for the rest of my labor. The only position they could accurately read the baby in was lying on my back, which wasn't too terrible in the beginning. I only had to be continuously monitored for the first four hours of Cytotec and then hopefully I could go to intermittent monitoring. The medication was really only supposed to dilate my cervix and maybe give me a few contractions, well my body didn't get the memo. One of the nurses looked at the monitor and asked me "Did you feel that?". My answer, "meh?". "That was a contraction! And a good one!". Well dang, I can do this! Suddenly I was contracting every two and half to three minutes, we were rocking and rollin. I thought to myself, "YES! You are going to ROCK this! Baby in 12 hours!" Again, should have knocked on some wood. Four hours after the medicine went in and I was checked again, and I was still no where. SHUT up. Seriously? Sidenote: I also managed to hurt a first year resident's feelings by refusing to allow him to do future cervix checks, it was the most painful thing I had ever encountered, well up until that point. That same resident would be around so much but ended up being really supportive and awful but I totally know I hurt his feelings. So I knew that we would need another dose of Cytotec to get my cervix open but I found out I was not eligible because my body was contracting too much. So we had to sit and wait to see if the contractions I was having would do enough to get my cervix moving. Spoiler alert: it didn't  happen. I contracted for 12 hours for nothing. 

The next step, oh the next step. I cannot even. My fabulous doctor came in and said he had an idea. He wanted to insert something called a Cook Balloon. Basically, he would inflate two balloons, one inside my uterus, one outside, hoping to smush my cervix open. Well, that is the way I understood it anyways. It was honestly the most painful thing I have ever encountered, labor and delivery INCLUDED. At one point I screamed at him to stop and he had the nurse to sit bed up so he could see my face. He locked eyes with me and told me I could do this. To breathe and look at him. I survived. The balloons were going to be in for 12 hours or until they fall out. We were hoping they would fall out. I set myself up in the recliner and for the first time, fell asleep. I was contracting throughout my sleep, but I was still getting some rest. 12 hours later, the balloons were removed and I was re-checked. I was 2 centimeters. All that for TWO centimeters. I was devastated. My ever optimistic doctor said okay, "on to plan C!"

The next part was awful. They put in another medication called Cervidil to get my cervix opened. My doctor again told me to get some rest that it would take several hours for the medication to kick in. Famous last words. 15 minutes later my contractions were one on top of each other. Literally. I got maybe thirty seconds of break between contractions. The residents came in looking quite petrified. The medication was not supposed to do this. They had to get a good strip for my doctor so I had to lie on my back to get an accurate reading. There really was nothing worse than this. I tried to get lost in my own head as best as I can but there were so many noises, so many people poking and prodding me, so many blood pressure checks. I was staring to lose hope. Starting to lose my grip. I wanted pain medication, I wanted out, I could NOT do this. Alisha sat with me and talked me through every contraction. She helped me breathe, helped me focus on anything other than the hell I was in. If it was not for her, I would never had made it. In case you were trying to keep track, we were now at early Saturday morning. 

They had to take the medication out (it was inserted in my cervix, fun stuff) and pulled me off the monitors so that I could rest, get off my back, and try to get comfortable. I was just about to be okay when the first year resident from earlier in our story walked in and told me he had to put back on the monitors for 10 minutes. I honestly thought I was going to punch the man. He was so incredibly apologetic and I could see the fear in his eyes, he had taken me off to early and he was worried about getting in trouble with my doctor. So, I complied. Back on my back. 10 minutes, I could do this. 20 minutes later, I sent Alisha to go get someone to get me off the effing monitors. 

A Much Needed Break...           

After the Cervadril came out, they had to get my uterus back under control. Dr.First Year Resident came in and told me to get in the tub. As much as that man had tortured me, I was thrilled with him. Laboring in the tub was so high on my wish list that I could hardly quantify it. The continuous monitoring had made it impossible and I was killing me to stare at the tub and not be able to use it. Alisha got the water started, I covered my stupid IV with a glove and got in. I have never felt such instant relief in my whole life. Alisha poured water over my belly and my contractions slowly became more manageable. For the first time in 

Nobody Freak Out - Seriously

Better to be Safe than Sorry
-Alisha 

So funny story, the Smiths spent last night in the hospital.  I had some possible amniotic fluid leak and after calling the hospital nurse, we were encouraged to come in. They did a million tests, found no amniotic fluid leak, did a ton of blood work, and did a quick ultrasound. Everything was fine, Rhett's heartbeat is perfection and I was not contracting, but I knew that. The only reason I even consented to going in was the little voice in my ear saying, "better safe than sorry." All I could think was "sorry about what, exactly?". When I could not answer that without anything other than something grievous, I decided we should go.

The ultrasound did show that my amniotic fluid was on the low side of normal but it could have just been Rhett's placement. We have a full ultrasound on the 8th and at that point they will do something called an AFI (Amniotic Fluid Index), meaning they will re-measure the fluid around our tiny human. If it is still on the low range, it will mean more monitoring and possibly an early delivery. But NOT any time soon, so nobody start panicking. Seriously, I need everyone to breathe. In. Out. In. Out. You got this, it will all be okay.

This little emergency trip did two things for us: 1) Make us both realize that we are TOTALLY unprepared for a hospital trip and eventual baby. No bags are packed, no plan, nothing really set up for him. It was a little fire under our rumps to get our 'ish together, like yesterday. We are working on that...tomorrow ha! AND 2) It reassured us that we totallllllyy picked the right hospital. We were the only couple in Labor and Delivery and got alllll of the attention. The residents were amazing, very carrying, and did NOTHING without my doctor's consent. My doctor is their teacher, so we knew that they were being taught by the best. We also got to tour the delivery room with the tub and we are in LOVE! There is usually only one birth per day at the hospital, so we will more than likely get that room. We were also thrilled at how quickly we were seen. We went into the ER side (we were the only people in there) and were brought RIGHT to the check in desk and then the L&D nurse came and got us. We spent  5 minutes MAX in the ER. Seriously? Amazing. We saw the doctor almost immediately after I was hooked up and my vitals were taken. It was like someone flew us into the twilight zone of hospitals, where patients didn't have to be patient. And they were super thorough without being ridiculous, which was amazing. Oh and if you are wondering why no one uses our hospital, it is because they tend to be less medicalized than the major women's hospital in our state. But women spend hours in the waiting room at that fancy women's hospital and if you water breaks in  the waiting room, they hand you a towel. Our hospital doesn't even have a waiting room, lol! Good choice I think! Here is a little Kate tip: don't just deliver at the hospital that everyone else does. Look around, sometimes you will find a gem that will treat you like a human!

So that was our night. Rhett is good, I am good, and Alisha is tired. We got home around 5am (we got there about 2ish) and she PASSED out. Our doula wants me to take it easy, so poor Alisha will be running her butt off. Sorry boo, love you always!

Oh and here is our hospital birthing center if anyone is curious:

http://www.mhri.org/birthing-center/

Of Storm Clouds and Rainbows

A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
-Stephanie


I don't often feel comfortable using the term "rainbow baby" out loud for the baby moving, kicking, and hiccuping in my belly. That term has long been reserved for the women who have endured miscarriages and infant loss at birth, something I have not experienced. Many of those women do not think that our losses are comparable to theirs and since I have never experienced the loss of a child growing in my body, I cannot disagree with them. I only know the pain of losing babies that grew in my heart - that is my experience. But I often quietly whisper to Rhett that he is my  "rainbow baby". He is my promise after the storm, my light after so much pain and suffering, my joy cometh. I really wanted to buy something to represent that rainbow baby-ness but I did not want to take something from those who have suffered miscarriages and infant loss. And then I saw this baby sling, and I cried.

See, it is a rainbow, but a different kind of rainbow. It isn't the typical ROYGBIV rainbow, it is different. What I see in these colors it is my experience. My loss is not the same as the women who have suffered miscarriage and infant loss, just as their loss is not mine. And maybe, in a sense, my rainbow baby is not quite the same, but he is still my "joy cometh in the morning" (Psalm 30:5), and I need a little reminder sometimes.

So maybe one day I will get the nerve to buy this sling and wear my precious baby in it. Some people will see it as just a pretty sling, others may think it is some subtle gay pride thing, but I will know and will whisper to Rhett, "you are MY rainbow baby". Now don't pee on me. 

Here is the link if you want to see more pictures. Also, I love this shop, so many beautiful wraps!

https://www.etsy.com/listing/227345200/wrap-conversion-ring-sling-baby-carrier?ref=shop_home_active_2

Mother's Day

Mothers' Day?

-Me

Hey y'all! So I have a super introspective, emotional post for today but I am just going to save that one for another day. So instead, I will just some questions I am sure some of you are wondering (or not, I will just pretend you are). 

Q: How do lesbian Moms celebrate Mother's/Mothers' Day?

A: Excellent question fictive asker. Bad news though, there is not a definite answer! Every family has their own customs and beliefs about the day. Some couples choose to celebrate both parents on the same day, doing a joint day. Some celebrate in the same weekend but on separate days, like Mama gets Saturday and Mom gets Sunday. Some skip it all together and just focus on grandma or just don't focus on anyone because it is a holiday created by the greeting card companies (or something).Some give one parent Mother's day and the other gets another day later in the year (like Father's Day). 

Q: Well, how are you going to do it? Who are we supposed to be saying Happy Mother's Day to?     Lesbians are confusing me.

A: Alisha and I have decided to celebrate me on Mother's Day and Alisha on Father's Day. So say it to me. Lesbians confuse me too, don't worry.

Q: Wait, is Alisha a Dad?

A: No, no, no y'all. Hold your horses. We are going to call it Bub's Day, just celebrated on Father's Day. We will also celebrate Alisha's Dad that day.

Q: What the heck is a Bub?

A: Alisha. 

Q: Oh, well that cleared it up. Umm, why doesn't Alisha want Mother's Day?

A: Well, it came down to logic and presents. What kind of gifts are available on Mother's Day? Perfume, candy, flowers, lotion...those are all Kate things. Father's Day? Power tools, electronics, fishing gear, socks...totally all Alisha things. So it just made sense. I could try to explain that Alisha feels more like a parent than a Mom, but I really don't want y'alls heads to start spinning. 

So is everything cleared up? Got questions? You know what to do!

Oh and if you are still reading and struggling with this day, I feel you. I have been there and to be honest, a huge chunk of me is still there. Hang in there and eat a significant amount of icecream right from the tub. You deserve it. 

Do We Need More Baby Stuff??

"Something to sleep in, something to poop in, something to cover their body, and something to eat from, that is all you need!"
- Some comment I read once

So I am beginning to worry that we do not have enough baby gear. Like we do not have a bouncer, do we need that? We don't really have room for a glider, will the baby be okay without it? We don't have a tummy time mat yet, do they need that from birth? I just feel like we have to buy it all! Here is what we have so far, what are we missing? 

Sleeping/Room Gear
-Crib and Mattress
-Crib Bedding

-Extra Sheets (3)

-Matress Protector
-Dresser
-Changing pad and covers (3)
-Rock-N-Play (using as a bassinet)

-Nautical Themed decor

-Video Monitor 

-Regular Monitor 

Baby Holding Gear
-Swing (rocks side to side and back and front)
-Newborn to toddler portable rocker thing
-Ergo Sport

-Sling
-Travel System (includes infant carseat)

-Baby Bath

Feeding Gear

-Boobs (2)

-Hygenia Breast Pump

-Milk Bags (I'm not sure how many)

-Bottles (4)

-Pacifiers (4)

-Reusable Nursing Pads

-Udder Cover

Clothing items total: 221

Clothes Newborn

-8 Onesies 

-4 PJs

-4 Pants/shorts 

Clothes 0-3

-34 Long sleeved onesies

-29 Short sleeved onesies 

-12 PJs

-8 Jeans/Khakis  

-8 Cotton Pants

-7 Jackets/Hoodies

-4 Shirts 

-3 Overalls 

-2 Shorts

-2 Rompers

Clothes 3 months +

- 30 Various items

Etc Clothes 

-27 pairs of socks 

-18 Bibs

-14 Hats

- 6 Pairs mittens

-1 Pair shoes

-1 Knitted photo outfit

-1 Pair baby leg warmers

Blankets etc

-7 Burp rags 

-6 Receiving Blankets  

-6 Wash cloths

-3 Hooded towels

-3 Minky Blankets 

-2 Muslin Blankets 

-2 Swaddle Me

Cloth Diapers

-2 Diaper Bags 
-10 newborn AIOs
-8 Onesize AIOs

-11 AI2 covers 

-1 Onesize cover 

-5 Newborn covers 

-2 Size two covers 

-24 Small AI2 inserts 

-24 Prefolds

-6 Flats

-3 Snappis

-5 Wetbags 

-Cloth diaper friendly diaper creams

-120 size newborn and size 1 sposies as needed 

A Woman Who Serves

"In my opinion, they are worth every penny!"
-Dr. Morton

Hey y'all! So sorry this post is like a week late. I am wrapping up graduate school and it has been quite intense. So here is the baby Smith update....

First of all, can I just say how much I love my OB? I really wanted midwifery care, but it was just not in the cards this pregnancy (none of the home birth midwives here take insurance). I am so lucky that we found Dr. Morton because he pretty much is a midwife. I jokingly said that if this pregnancy and delivery went well, I would want to birth the next one at home. His response? "Sounds good to me, I figured. I am the homebirth midwives' backup OB". Not some crazy rant, not a lecture, just yep, good deal. I am so lucky.

He handed Alisha the Doppler when he walked in and she thought she just had to hold it but NOPE! Dr. Morton taught her how to find the baby's heart rate. It was an amazing experience to have my hersband find our baby's heartbeat and Alisha really got a kick out of it. The baby's heart rate was right around 150, so beating away!

Before the Doppler, we sat and talked for a good hour about everything I have been experiencing (read: projectile vomiting) and he was so kind and understanding. I had been worried about asking for medication for my crazy stomach, but he quickly offered it. For almost all of my life, I have been blamed for every aliment I have ever had. It MUST be my weight, since weight can be blamed for everything, right? Ugh. Anyways, he never mentions my weight, ever. I have NOT been gaining weight but losing (that is a new one) and he just said not to stress about it. He never blames me or asks me for a play by play of everything I eat, he just says "it's okay".

I have really struggled with food this pregnancy. First of all, everything hurts my stomach or causes me to throw up. But secondly, I am so worried that anything I eat will cause irrevocable harm to this baby. I have been socialized to think that my body is too fat to handle a baby, that I will most certainly get gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. Even my Mom only asks how my blood pressure is, which is perfect btw. So I am not only trying to avoid anything that makes me sick (dairy, citrus, tomato sauces, red meat, fried food, anything with flavor) but sugar, carbs, and salt too. Basically, I eat...broccoli, peaches, and drink a cherry coke once a week (I eat more than that btw, don't yell). I even beat myself up about the peaches, could they give me GD? Could I be killing my baby? WHY am I worrying so much? Stupid self fat shame. Okay, enough of that! Geeze, hush Kate.

Near the end of the conversation with Dr. Morton, we asked him if a doula was something worth investing in and he said, "hands down, yes, get one". We have been worried about it because lesbereal, they aren't cheap! I have been sucky at Jamberry lately because of school and we are trying to save money, you know, since we are having a kid and all. But he really expressed how important they are (see I told you, he isn't a real doctor).

For those of you that do not know, doulas provide one on one labor support during all stages of labor. Unlike nurses, YOU are their only person. No shift changes, no random person, just strong and steady. They do not replace your partner, but rather work to support him or her throughout the labor process. Historically, women did not birth alone. They were surrounded by their mothers, sisters, aunts, friends, and women in the community. Since we have moved away from the village/tribe (shout out Kari), those supports are not available. And lesbereal, I cannot see my Mom being up for natural labor support. If she knew we were hypnobirting, she would probably call me crazy. So, our society now pays for the support and I can handle that. When you break it down to dollars and cents, you really are getting a HUGE bang for your buck. We are looking at spending right around $800 and for all the hours you get, plus a home visit after the baby is born, it is totally worth it. Plus they have been proven to reduce c-section and intervention rates (thesis topic, lol) so that is worth every penny. Although I cannot see my doctor pressuring me into a c-section, the doula will make me less nervous about it. So I think it is a good deal, what about you?

I am doing a Mystery Hostess Jamberry Party to help offset the cost some if anyone is interested:
https://www.facebook.com/events/1628755304025511/

One last thing for all those who are STILL reading. Alisha really wants to find out the sex of the baby next week. Like REALLY wants to. So it may happen. I am still on the fence so, no promises. I wonder if Jessi is still reading this far...Oh and NEXT post will have new ultrasound pictures, EKKK!

I am just going to end this post with a little reminder to myself....

Hypno Huh?

"Enjoy your baby's birth in comfort, joy, and love..."
-Hypnobabies

So per my OB's recommendation, I started the hypnobabies CDs today. Alisha, LuLu, and Ellie joined in and enjoyed a deep state of relaxation. Me, notsomuch. It is going to take a TON of practice for me to let go of all the fear and anxiety I have built up (more on that in a future post). I really want to take an in person class, but I cannot seem to find one locally, boo hiss! Here is the self study program I am doing now if you are curious: https://www.hypnobabies.com/

LuLu enjoying hypnobabies

But anyways, I really do like the idea of re-framing birth to be a more positive experience. My Mom hated ALL of her births. She wanted meds but Dad wouldn't "let" her. Those who know me know I HATE that line. Although I want a natural birth it is what I want. I feel that if I maintain my autonomy over my body, I will have a much happier birth. And I think it should be the same for everyone, everyone should have the autonomy to make their OWN birth choices. You want meds? Go for it sista! All natural in a birth tub? Go for it sista! The only best birth is your birth with your choices and autonomy remaining intact. Sorry, off the soapbox now.

Anyways, Alisha and I were watching a hypnobirthing video and the instructor had her students wear an "Only happy birth stories button" and I loved the idea! Here is the video if you want to watch it: Hypnobirth Intro. I am not really showing right now, but I plan on getting one of those when I do start showing. I also changed my profile picture to the image below, even though I said I wanted to keep baby stuff off facebook. I know that some people have not had the best births and telling your birth story is important. However, when you tell your story to incite fear in others (fear mongering, ugh), that is when it becomes hurtful. So I want to surround myself with the happiest birth stories I can find.

So if you have a happy birth story and you want to tell me, please do! Like Amanda W's super fast, grunting like our ancestors, water birth, yes! Tell me more! Tell me what made you feel empowered, strong, and surrounded by peace. My baby and I want to hear that. And if you want to tell me something you wish you did (not epidurals or drugs though, please), I would love to hear those tips as well.